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| Ignited Danson fart kills three |
| Tuesday January 31 2006 |
| By our L.A. correspondent Tornado Dogfright. |
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| Ted Danson: lethal farts |
| Three people are dead and two more injured after sitcom star Ted Danson lit one of his farts in L.A. nightclub The Viper Room. |
| After drinking at least three pints of gin, Danson announced to onlookers that he was going to perform his 'party trick'. He then borrowed Danza's zippo lighter, and used it to light one of his own farts, producing a jet of flame so big that the three people at the next table were completely incinerated. "It was like one of those spontaneous human combustion stories you hear about," said Tim Burgess, one of the firemen called to the scene. "All that was left were three pairs of smouldering shoes." Fortunately, none of the victims were famous. However, at least two celebrities were injured: Whitney Huston's face was badly singed, and Benicio del Toro's eyebrows were completely incinerated. |
| Danson, who had been out drinking with John Cleese and Tony Danza, was already noticably intoxicated when he arrived at the Viper Room. Upon entering, he began drinking gin by the pint. "It was pretty heavy," said Patrick Swayze, currently working as a bartender in the Viper Room. "He comes in and starts ordering pints of gin. I wasn't gonna serve him, but then Tony Danza said it would be okay, and when Tony Danza vouches for someone, I listen." |
| All stories are fictional and use of real names is intended satirically. |
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| Benicio del Toro: before and after |
| "I feel terrible for the families of the deceased," said Danson the next morning, "but if they think I'm going to pay them compensation they can go fuck themselves. I've got the best lawyers in Hollywood, and a note from my doctor saying it was not my fault." |