We are sorry to announce that there will be no news story this week, as our current correspondent, Tornado Dogfright, has died. Mr Dogfright, who played an essential role in the creation of Roll The Potato, apparently suffocated after breathing the same air as Bruce Willis. He leaves behind a wife, two sons, a daughter, a leper colony, several Cambodians and a shetland pony. He will be deeply missed.
In place of an article we offer this obituary by Tarquin Dick, who has been taken on as Mr Dogfright's replacement.
Tornado Dogfright- the man behind the mystery
by Tarquin Dick
Tornado Dogfright was a man respected by many, but loved by few. Unstoppable, uncompromising, and frequently unintelligible, he was the first journalist ever to shit himself during a press conference.
Born to a poor white trash family in Littleweenie, Arkansaw, Dogfright spent most of his childhood alone. His father left when he was six, his mother when he was seven, and he survived the next ten years by living off a diet of roadkill and swamp water.
Eventually his father returned to get a favourite hat, and was surprised to find his son still alive. Dogfright had regressed into a caveman-like-state, and it was several days before he was able to speak again, at which point his father offered him a job selling photocopiers.
After two years Dogfright decided that selling copiers was not for him, and he left for Hollywood, taking only $27, a steak knife and a trained monkey. For a while he got by robbing tourists with his steak knife, but eventually he was to hear his true calling- journalism. When the building he was sleeping behind was taken over by an alternative free press newspaper, Dogfright walked in the door and offered the monkey in exchange for a job. He was hired immediately, and became the paper's entertainment writer.
Dogfright's star was on the ascent. Almost immediately every rag in Hollywood wanted to hire him, but he decided to go it alone, and along with his wife Jericho, and music critic Michael Fuque, he set up Roll The Potato. Dogfright had big plans for this little corner of the internet. but sadly left few notes. We can only hope that we take it in the direction he would have wanted. |
