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| Kilmer bites head off nine year old. |
| Tuesday January 10 2006 |
| By our L.A. correspondent Tornado Dogfright. |
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| Val Kilmer: jaw unhooks like a snake's. |
| The entertaiment world was in shock last night after Hollywood actor Val Kilmer bit the head off a nine year old boy. |
| Harry Hamlin, star of T.V.'s L. A. Law, was dining with friends in the same restaurant and saw the whole thing. "It was horrible," he later said. "One minute the kid's stood there all in one piece, the next his head is gone and all that's left is a bloody stump." |
| Reports of Tom Cruise fucking the stump remain unconfirmed. |
| The boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons, had approached Kilmer outside a restaurant. According to witnesses, he was asking for an autograph when Kilmer, who can unhook his jaw like a snake, removed the child's entire head in a single bite. |
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| Cruise: stump-fucking reports unconfirmed |
| All stories are fictional and use of real names is intended satirically. |