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| Keira Knightley made up of smaller Keira Knightleys |
| Tuesday February 7 2006 |
| By our L.A. correspondent Tornado Dogfright. |
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| Keira Knightleys: some the size of a child's thumb. |
| Researchers at the University of New Mexico's science department have found evidence that actress Keira Knightley, who is hotly tipped for an oscar nomination for her performance in 'Pride and Prejudice', is actually made up of hundreds of smaller Keira Knightleys |
| Sometimes, however, one will get loose, often with disastrous consequenses, such as the incident at the last Golden Globes, when one of the Keiras climbed down Keifer Sutherland's trousers and began pulling out his pubic hair one at a time. This led to the actor jumping up from his seat, ripping off his trousers and yelling "aaaagh! Tiny Keira Knightley in my pants!" An outburst which sparked many rumours at the time about the state of '24' star Sutherland's mental health. |
| "At first we thought there was some kind of hive mentality among them, like ants or bees," said Professor John J. Wackleton, head of the Keira Knightley scientific task-force. "But now evidence suggests that each individual Keira is fully capable of independant thought and action." The mini-Keiras, some no bigger than a child's thumb, are glued together during film shoots and public appearances, with make up and computer effect used to cover the seams. |
| All stories are fictional and use of real names is intended satirically. |
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| Keifer Sutherland: pubic calamity |
| Knightly herself (selves?) has so far refused to comment directly, instead issuing a statement through her agent dismissing the story as "bollocks on stilts." |