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| 50 foot Shatner terrorizes New York |
| Tuesday March 21 2006 |
| By Tarquin Dick |
 |
| William Shatner: may be harmful if swallowed. |
| William Shatner, best known for his role as Captain Kirk in the Star Trek franchise, has wreaked a trail of destruction through the city of New York, after being enlarged by radiation to almost ten times his original size |
| The actor, who was apparently contaminated by some form of super radiation or some crap like that, became disoriented after waking up in the rubble of his former appartment building in Manhattan, and began a rampage that lasted for almost twelve hours. "It was pretty bad," said waiter Scott Monroe, who witnessed the terrifying events. "He was really hammy and over the top. If it wasn't for the actual property damage I would have found the whole performance totally unconvincing." |
| Juliet Strong, an unemployed tattoo artist and recent bisexual whose parents died in the carnage, disagreed. "I thought the whole thing was very real, both emotionally and on a socio-political level. When he smashed that building to the ground and killed everyone in it, I really felt that he was perfectly encapsulating the pent up frustration and repressed anger of the heterosexual male in today's society. I found the whole thing very thought provoking." After several attempts to quell the rampage with heavy artillery, the armed forces finally managed to incapacitate the giant Shatner by smashing a 15 foot tall wine bottle over his head. Scientists are hard at work in their attempts to shrink Shatner back down to his regular size, although he has asked that his penis be left as it is. |
| All stories are fictional and use of real names is intended satirically. |